Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
