I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
