i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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