So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
