birth control should be required to get into college
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
