My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
