So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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