I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
