I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
