??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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