Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
