Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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