if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
sarcasm needs its own font
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
