Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
