The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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