roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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