so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
