I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
