what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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