Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
