Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
