I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
