My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
