I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
