I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
