After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
