I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
