walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
