So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You took a bar mat shot.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
