you have to choose: penises or morals?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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