I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
