cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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