your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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