you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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