My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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