I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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