hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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