I am puke
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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