I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
