a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
