So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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