you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
