today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
