We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
