i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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