There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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