i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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