He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I still have a little drunk in my system
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
