Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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