you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
