Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Randomize
