Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Found your dick twin last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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