She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
