And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
