The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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