My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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