Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
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You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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