took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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