im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
