Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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