i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
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I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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