i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
