If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
