Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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